rollercoaster

by tinglyfeeling on October 25, 2009

rollercoasterOne thing I will never get used to with this disease is how suddenly everything changes. One day, you’re feeling okay, and then the next day, or even later the same day, BAM! Cruddy. It could be caused by a shift in the weather, stress levels, hormones, something I ate or drank, sleep patterns, or any combination of those things. I never really know–I can only guess.

This last week, I was remarking to someone that I felt almost “normal,” whatever that is. For me, it’s when I’m not constantly being nagged by symptoms–a tingly foot, numb knees, stiff hands, all-over body aches, etc.–and have to pause and think, “Oh yeah. I still have MS.” And then for a brief moment, I entertain the fantasy that maybe it’s all been a bad dream, the doctors misdiagnosed me and I don’t really have a chronic disease. Those 20-odd lesions on my brain are because of something else.

So I’m trucking along, feeling pretty good (and bragging about it), until I get to Thursday. I wake up, go to work, and after sitting in my chair for a while, stand up to walk and discover the tops of my knees are numb, which means my legs are wobbly. And so my mood plummets. I’m distracted, anxious, irritable, emotional, can’t focus on work tasks for more than a few minutes at a time and there is some actual pulling of hair (just mine, though). Oh, and lots of swearing. I even cried a little while IMing about all this with a friend. It’s safe to say, I was depressed.

But where did this shift come from? Is it the weather? The temperature did take a dip overnight and it’s been the kind of rainy that’s especially oppressive–cold, inconsistently drizzly (give me a good downpour over spitting rain or mist any day), dark and gloomy. Or it could have been that I was really, really annoyed with my absentee boss and feeling like my job has become an endless tunnel with no light at the end. Or maybe I simply jinxed myself by being positive about my MS earlier in the week.

Regardless, I can’t say for sure what precipitated this plunge in my mood. The exact cause doesn’t really matter, I guess, since the really bad parts seem to have passed. I do think I might need to actually start taking something for my occasional bouts with anxiety, though (have any of you tried GABA supplements?). I was seriously frazzled, which just made me more upset because I hate feeling like I’m not in control of my emotions. I can be a drama queen for sure, but I can tell the difference between just overreacting and a downward-spiraling inability to regulate my emotions.

Anyway, today, Sunday, I feel a bit better. Except for this hangover that’s been plaguing me all day and a mysterious numb spot on the left side of my upper lip (that is a new one). Life is full of ups and downs and it goes on…. And I’ll be off to work again tomorrow with hopes for a better week.

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  • http://twitter.com/CarlaRose Carla

    I can definitely relate to the MS rollercoasters. I try to cherish each “good” day I have and not let my healthy habits fall by the wayside (getting enough sleep, supplements, eating right, exercise, etc) because that can change how I feel a lot too. I have to remind myself that this bad time will pass.

  • sarahellis

    I hope this week has been easier then last. I have had the numb lip feeling. I blammed it on cheap lip gloss but it was only happening to my upper lip so that excuse didn't really work.

  • http://www.tinglyfeeling.com tinglyfeeling

    Thanks for your comment Carla–sorry I'm just now responding. It sounds like we're on the same page in regard to cherishing the good and waiting out the bad. I need a little more commitment to eating well and sleeping more, though. Especially when I'm feeling low and don't want to do anything but sit and stare. But yeah, it passes.

    Hope all's well with you. xo

  • http://www.tinglyfeeling.com tinglyfeeling

    the numb lip thing went away–i'm wondering if it had something to do with what i was eating? maybe pesticides on an apple peel? i don't know. it was weird.

    my week went a bit better. not as emotional, but i definitely overdid it and exhausted myself. this week, i hope to take better care of myself and get a lot more rest so i have something left for the weekend.

    thanks for your comment. i hope you're doing well. xo

  • http://www.tinglyfeeling.com tinglyfeeling

    thank you for your comment, carla–apologies for my slow response. i think you and i are on the same page in regard to cherishing the good and waiting out the bad days. but sometimes, i can't help but feel a little panicky/cynical when i get too many good days in a row because i know it can't last.

    hope all's well with you in the pdx. :-)

  • greenandchic

    I feel the same way when I have several good days in a row. Will it last? Is this the worst I will get? What will happen tomorrow?

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