going AWOL

by tinglyfeeling on September 15, 2010

I skipped MS support group tonight. Partially because I had a work thing (booze cruise!) that went later than expected and partly because lately this monthly meeting just hasn’t been feeling very … supportive. For me, anyway.

I don’t know what I’m looking for anymore, really, but the last few months’ meetings have just been sort of depressing for me. We talk about drug treatments a lot. And then someone might share an anecdote about someone who has suffered a massive relapse. That’s not helping me. It’s not my experience and I don’t understand it. And I don’t want to. That’s probably a shitty thing to say, but it’s almost like talking to my mom on the phone, when she starts going off about people I vaguely know who are sick or have some other drama, and then, inevitably, starts complaining about something my dad said to her. It’s her experience, which is totally valid for her, but doesn’t feel relevant to me.

While I like everyone in my group–I’ve been going for two years–and there aren’t any rules about what we can or can’t talk about (and I usually learn a bunch about drugs), I’m still finding it hard to relate and connect in a way that feels valuable. Like, what am I really getting out of my time there? I usually just end up feeling like I’m not doing enough to treat my disease. Like I’m not being proactive enough. Or I feel guilty for not being as bad off as others. Or I get scared by someone’s cautionary tale or bad news and think that maybe something worse is just around the corner for me.

So I had a fun day with my coworkers and didn’t feel like going to support group tonight. I chose to instead enjoy the rainy evening and kick it on my couch, catching up with Daily Show episodes. I apologize if anyone from my group reads this–it has nothing to do with you. You’re all great and I do enjoy seeing you and hearing about how you’re doing. I just decided to ride out a good buzz, rather than harshing my own mellow tonight. I’ll see you next month.

I think I’m going to even take a bath and set my laptop up in the bathroom so I can watch Jon Stewart grill Tony Blair some more. Hope you’re all having a similarly relaxing evening. xo

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