tunneling

by tinglyfeeling on November 29, 2009

I sometimes think we progress through life as if we’re moving through a long series of tunnels. You don’t know where you’ll end up, but you hope it’s light and warm and safe when you get to the other end. And then you can move on to the next tunnel, with new possibilities waiting for you when you get out of that one. But sometimes the tunnel just stretches on and on and on.

So what’s been going on with me? My MS is behaving itself, if that’s what it means when my symptoms are chillaxing. No drama there, just the usual numb spots and occasional fatigue.

Work, on the other hand, has been kind of soul crushing. I had a bit of a teary heart-to-heart with a friend last night and I used words like “powerless” and “humiliated.” Not good. Time to think about moving on, I guess. I’ve been there three years and had hoped I was moving toward something, only to see that something snatched away from me and given to someone else without warning. So, the light at the end of my tunnel? I can’t see it yet.

Not to be too bleak. I know I’ll be fine. I’m smart, I’m skilled, I have opportunities. I’m just having a hard time coming to terms with my current situation and then visualizing what I want to happen next. And this song keeps popping in my head–the Arcade Fire’s “Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels).”

I love this song because its lyrics are emotionally uplifting (at the end of the tunnel, they find each other and start a new life) and it’s extremely satisfying to sing at the top of your lungs when you need a good release, like I do right now.

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